The Vintage Limo Monologues #4: Snow Virgin

Today we had our first snowstorm and for some crazy reason I had this idea that I needed to test the limousine in the snow. Why? I have no idea. What is next? Sky diving?

Anyway, I thought I would share the ratings I gave the car in each category. In some categories there are quantitative numbers. In other categories I am using a rating system of 1-10, ten being the highest rating and 1 being the lowest.

Time taken to scrape snow off 8 windows: 10 minutes
Time taken to scrape them again because by the time you finish they need it done again: 10
Time to decide I don't really need the windows that clean: 1 second
Heater Function: 10
Ability to stop on snow: 9
Nervousness factor that some car will slide into me at the stoplight: 3
Nervousness factor when I see an oil truck marked flammable in front of me: 10
Yards I stop behind the oil truck at the stop light: 100
Time it takes me to make a 5 minute trip to the post office: 20 minutes
Look on my face when I get there and realize I forgot my purse: priceless

101 Uses for a Vintage LIMO #7: TO HELP A DREAM COME TRUE

Yesterday Steve had a "dream session" with a young girl and her mother and provided a nice limo ride to go with it. It was the perfect addition to fulfill a young girl's dream. Steve works with a number of people helping them to fulfill their dreams and he believes that it does not matter what the dream is - what matters is that everyone gets a chance to live their dreams. I am often his assistant in these matters and a lot of my work is along these same lines...but Steve makes it a full-time profession.

Steve partnered with a hairdresser friend of his to fix Sara (not her real name) up and take photos of her to help her fulfill her dream to become a model. Sara's mother has battled with cancer for the past ten years, and this has put a time and financial drain on the family so Sara needed some outside help to fulfill her dreams. Sara and her mom enjoyed a day of pampering, modelling and limo rides and enjoyed every minute of it! The limousine was a big surprise for them and it made their day even that more special.

The Vintage Limo Monologues #3: The Costume

Some people dress-up for their husband or their friend or for weddings or other special functions. I have always enjoyed "dressing up" and playing "dress up" but now I find that I am dressing up for the car. One day last week I found myself unable to leave the house when I realized my reluctance was that I "didn't look good enough" to drive the limousine. Anyone who knows me will get a big laugh out of this.

I am the girl who knitted herself a sweater our of wool and wore that same sweater every day as a coat during college in Chicago. I am the woman who loved living in Saudi Arabia because those black cloaks I had to wear over my clothes were just perfect when I didn't feel like changing out of my pajamas that day...anyway, you get the idea...

So, I found myself feeling self-conscious about going out without being dressed properly. Out came the Norma Kamali coordinated outfits and the cute purses that have been sitting in my closet for five years (I had this idea 5 years ago I might actually venture into using more than one purse but it never worked out. I love my beat up ole leather guy). Out came the matching shoes (that was another idea I had. I've worn black flats for the past 24 years and thought perhaps it was time to change?) and I was ready to go.

Although one day last week I wasn't feeling in such a good mood and I actually embarked on a limo errand wearing only my black cotton stretch pants and a green Mountain T-shirt emblazoned with a big fairy in the middle of a meadow. I rushed the limo down to the post office to get the errand done and I got some interesting looks. I imagine people thinking "Why is there a limo parked at the post office and why does the lady driving it look like a Renaissance Fair reject?"

As I was telling my friend, Kim, the story of my improper attire she said in mock horror "Oh , how could you?!" I told her, "You might be joking with me, but you have no idea how seriously I have been taking this!" I am not sure how things will develop here...but I do have to admit I didn't feel quite right wearing a T-shirt to drive so if you see me walking around town looking like I've been invited to have lunch with the governor then I am probably just driving the limo that day.

101 Uses for a Vintage LIMO #6: SHOPPING

The most popular question I get from friends is "How do you PARK that thing?" Well, they say it in a more polite way but that is what I would say. I have to hold myself to keep from laughing when they ask that because I have been "parking impaired" since I was 15 and failed my parallel parking exam. I passed the course only because I promised my instructor I would never parallel park. Clautrophobia, Agoraphopia...parkaphobia...if there was a word for that disease I am sure I have had it for many years. So, actually, owning a LIMO is one big excuse for me never to have to park again. It is a like a dream come true!

"Hey - don't you think we should park closer to the theater? There is one spot there in the street?"

Now, instead of shamefully admiting my parking impairment I can just say with an air of sophistication "Oh, I am sorry, my limousine would never fit in that VERY SMALL parking place."

Now I don't mean to dismiss all those professionals out there whom I am sure can park a limo as if they trained their steering wheel to respond to dog biscuits...I am just saying that I have found the limo a very convenient excuse not to park.

So this is a typical shopping day for me with the limousine:

1. My kids, who have come shopping with me, insist that I drop them at the door. Sofi waits until someone is coming near the car. She won't leave until there is an audience to witness her decent from the limousine. So every shopping trip takes a quarter of an hour more while Sofi waits for her ideal audience. Sunii pretends he doesn't care but he willingly waits with Sofi. Now, the "limo driver" (that's me) gets the fun job of "parking" the car.

2. I drive to the farthest ends of the lot and situate the limo across two parking spaces so far out in the parking lot that I will never have anyone park close to me or even compete for the space. Wow! This is great. I have just eliminated from my life: A. Circling the parking lot looking for a space B. Glaring at someone who just screeched their car in front of me and stole my parking space C. The feeling of defeat you have after circling the lot for 30 minutes, only to park in the next county D. Getting my doors scratched when some other parking impaired person parks so close to me that my cat couldn't fit through the space to open the car door.

3. I hope it is really warm out. I hate walking in the cold. Anyone want to tell me why I purchased a limo in the winter?

4. I walk the two miles from the far lot I have parked in. This is great! I don't have to plan my exercise anymore. I am getting plenty from driving (does that make any sense?)

Other parking situations are a little more complex. Like the time we arrived at PETCO. Really small parking lot. I approach the lot thinking to myself - where in the world am I going to park? How will I turn around? Then I discover that they have an entire empty lot behind the store. So I drive the limo to the curb at the end of the lot in front of the store. Nobody is going to care that I situated the limo near the curb because the place I have stopped in leads to an empty lot that nobody else will use and that I can use to turn around in. Plus, I am a limo, who is going to argue with where I park (he he)?

Then there is the post office - I think every post office is designed for tiny cars to begin with. I had trouble parking even when I owned my tiny Chevy Cavalier. I don't even look for a space. I circle the lot, and stop the limo to the side, a few feet back from the stop sign, with enough space for people to go around me and get out of the lot.

In fact, every store I regularly shop at now has a reserved parking space just for me. It is that space way out in the back lot, that space next to the empty lot out back, the space by the curb, the curb before the exit to the street. For some reason nobody wants these spots at all so every time I arrive my spot is always there.

There is a wonderful sense of reassurance when you leave for your errands in the morning knowing that you have a parking spot waiting for you. Even on Saturday morning when the streets and lots are packed.

Now, I just have to find someone else to drive the limo so I can get dropped off at the door!